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Submitted 2011-05-14 17:55:54
Conversations about end-of-life choices can be very uncomfortable. None of us like to think about our own potential incapacity or death. Views on life support and tube feeding can differ vastly among family members; and just the thought of dividing money, property, and possessions can be so overwhelming, that people often choose to do nothing in hopes that it will all just somehow work out.
Here's the sad news . . . When it comes to situations involving life support, tube feeding, and the distribution of worldly possessions - nothing ever just works out.
The reality is that eventually most of us will need some kind of help managing our health care, our financial affairs and the eventual distribution of our worldly possessions. And we really only two choices:
1. We can make those decisions ourselves ahead of time and control what happens . . . or
2. We can choose to do nothing and relinquish our control to courts of law
As uncomfortable as it may be to initiate these conversations, the emotional and financial costs of doing nothing can be astronomical. So take a deep breath, and bearing in mind that you will need to balance your parents need for assistance with their need for independence, you could open with something like:
"Mom, Dad, I read an article recently about what families need to know so they can help each other in the event of an accident or illness. It made me realize that none of us kids know who you want to manage your medical care or financial affairs if something happened and you could no longer care of yourselves. As much as we would all want to do what you wanted, its very likely that some of us would have very different opinions about what your wishes are. I know that keeping peace in the family is important to you, so it would really help all of us if we could set a time to talk about how you would want things handled if something did happen. Would you be willing to have that conversation with us?"
If they agree to have the conversation, the next question is, "When do you think we could do that?" If they agree to the conversation, it would be wise to suggest setting an appointment with an elder law or estate planning attorney to draw up the three things they must have in order to keep the control in their hands and out of the courts.
1.Estate planning documents (a Will and/or a Trust)
2. A Durable Power of Attorney
3. An Advance Directive
A trust or will states how you want your money and property distributed upon your death. A trust is similar to a will, in that it allows you to determine what happens to your property upon your death. The big difference is that property left in a trust doesn't have to go through probate court, which is generally a lengthy and expensive process.
With a trust, you assign a trustee to pay your debts and distribute your property upon your death. A well-designed trust can help you minimize estate taxes and legal fees. A trust can be settled in weeks. A will going through probate court can take months and cost thousands of dollars.
A Durable Power of Attorney is a legal document that grants specific powers to another person to make financial decisions on your behalf. It takes effect immediately upon signing and terminates upon your death. You can grant general authority, which would give that person the right to spend your money just as you would. Your Durable Power of Attorney can pay your bills, buy and sell real estate, make gifts, access your safety deposit box, etc. Or you can limit the scope of their authority.
It is up to you to determine how much control you want that person to have. You can choose a relative, a close friend, or a professional, such as a CPA to serve as your durable power of attorney. Whoever you choose, do it carefully and make sure he/she is absolutely trustworthy, because you are in effect giving that person the "keys to your kingdom". Be certain that this individual has good judgment when it comes to money, has no financial difficulties of his/her own, and will put your needs and best interests above all else.
Advance Directive is a state specific legal document that allows you to give instructions about how you want your health care managed (if you cannot speak for yourself), and what your wishes are regarding tube feeding and life support. It contains two parts: Appoints a health care representative (healthcare power of attorney) to make health care decisions on your behalf if you cannot do so. This person must follow your directions. If you do not state your desires, your healthcare representative must try to act in your best interest Specifies personal health care instructions and end-of-life decisions In this document you state your wishes about whether you want to be kept alive through tube feeding and other life support measures.
You can choose to let your physician decide. You can give the authority to your health care representative (usually a relative or very close friend) and let them make the decision; or if you are absolutely certain you do not want your life prolonged if you are suffering extreme pain, have no chance of recovery, or are in a permanent state of unconsciousness, you must specify that in the document. When your instructions are recorded in your Advance Directive, your physician and your health care representative(s) are obligated to obey your wishes.
These are the three "must have" end-of-life documents. It is possible to download them from the Internet and complete them yourself. However, the law is very complex, and when you consider the potential for error, and the seriousness of everything that is at stake, the amount of money invested in competent legal advice seems absolutely minuscule.
A competent estate planning attorney can evaluate your family's specific needs and goals and design a comprehensive estate plan that may include a number of other strategic estate planning tools that will help avoid Probate, allow assets to pass to desired beneficiaries, and minimize costs and fees.
So as you enter into these conversations with your parents, understand that even though these are uncomfortable and sometimes frightening topics, the consequences of doing nothing can be devastating to families. Try to keep the focus on the benefits of thoughtful planning. Reassure your parents by emphasizing the fact that you want to respect their wishes, maintain strong family relationships, and savor happy memories.
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By: Elaine Sanchez
Conversations about end-of-life choices can be very uncomfortable. None of us like to think about our own potential incapacity or death. Views on life support and tube feeding can differ vastly among family members; and just the thought of dividing money, property, and possessions can be so overwhelming, that people often choose to do nothing in hopes that it will all just somehow work out.
Here's the sad news . . . When it comes to situations involving life support, tube feeding, and the distribution of worldly possessions - nothing ever just works out.
The reality is that eventually most of us will need some kind of help managing our health care, our financial affairs and the eventual distribution of our worldly possessions. And we really only two choices:
1. We can make those decisions ourselves ahead of time and control what happens . . . or
2. We can choose to do nothing and relinquish our control to courts of law
As uncomfortable as it may be to initiate these conversations, the emotional and financial costs of doing nothing can be astronomical. So take a deep breath, and bearing in mind that you will need to balance your parents need for assistance with their need for independence, you could open with something like:
"Mom, Dad, I read an article recently about what families need to know so they can help each other in the event of an accident or illness. It made me realize that none of us kids know who you want to manage your medical care or financial affairs if something happened and you could no longer care of yourselves. As much as we would all want to do what you wanted, its very likely that some of us would have very different opinions about what your wishes are. I know that keeping peace in the family is important to you, so it would really help all of us if we could set a time to talk about how you would want things handled if something did happen. Would you be willing to have that conversation with us?"
If they agree to have the conversation, the next question is, "When do you think we could do that?" If they agree to the conversation, it would be wise to suggest setting an appointment with an elder law or estate planning attorney to draw up the three things they must have in order to keep the control in their hands and out of the courts.
1.Estate planning documents (a Will and/or a Trust)
2. A Durable Power of Attorney
3. An Advance Directive
A trust or will states how you want your money and property distributed upon your death. A trust is similar to a will, in that it allows you to determine what happens to your property upon your death. The big difference is that property left in a trust doesn't have to go through probate court, which is generally a lengthy and expensive process.
With a trust, you assign a trustee to pay your debts and distribute your property upon your death. A well-designed trust can help you minimize estate taxes and legal fees. A trust can be settled in weeks. A will going through probate court can take months and cost thousands of dollars.
A Durable Power of Attorney is a legal document that grants specific powers to another person to make financial decisions on your behalf. It takes effect immediately upon signing and terminates upon your death. You can grant general authority, which would give that person the right to spend your money just as you would. Your Durable Power of Attorney can pay your bills, buy and sell real estate, make gifts, access your safety deposit box, etc. Or you can limit the scope of their authority.
It is up to you to determine how much control you want that person to have. You can choose a relative, a close friend, or a professional, such as a CPA to serve as your durable power of attorney. Whoever you choose, do it carefully and make sure he/she is absolutely trustworthy, because you are in effect giving that person the "keys to your kingdom". Be certain that this individual has good judgment when it comes to money, has no financial difficulties of his/her own, and will put your needs and best interests above all else.
Advance Directive is a state specific legal document that allows you to give instructions about how you want your health care managed (if you cannot speak for yourself), and what your wishes are regarding tube feeding and life support. It contains two parts: Appoints a health care representative (healthcare power of attorney) to make health care decisions on your behalf if you cannot do so. This person must follow your directions. If you do not state your desires, your healthcare representative must try to act in your best interest Specifies personal health care instructions and end-of-life decisions In this document you state your wishes about whether you want to be kept alive through tube feeding and other life support measures.
You can choose to let your physician decide. You can give the authority to your health care representative (usually a relative or very close friend) and let them make the decision; or if you are absolutely certain you do not want your life prolonged if you are suffering extreme pain, have no chance of recovery, or are in a permanent state of unconsciousness, you must specify that in the document. When your instructions are recorded in your Advance Directive, your physician and your health care representative(s) are obligated to obey your wishes.
These are the three "must have" end-of-life documents. It is possible to download them from the Internet and complete them yourself. However, the law is very complex, and when you consider the potential for error, and the seriousness of everything that is at stake, the amount of money invested in competent legal advice seems absolutely minuscule.
A competent estate planning attorney can evaluate your family's specific needs and goals and design a comprehensive estate plan that may include a number of other strategic estate planning tools that will help avoid Probate, allow assets to pass to desired beneficiaries, and minimize costs and fees.
So as you enter into these conversations with your parents, understand that even though these are uncomfortable and sometimes frightening topics, the consequences of doing nothing can be devastating to families. Try to keep the focus on the benefits of thoughtful planning. Reassure your parents by emphasizing the fact that you want to respect their wishes, maintain strong family relationships, and savor happy memories.
Author Resource:->??Author and speaker, Elaine K. Sanchez offers secular and faith-based programs based on her book, "Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a Caregiver". Click here to watch a video. Click here to visit her website for more information and articles and to participate in her blog.
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